Thanks For Letting Me Vent
I have been thinking about what to write and what do you know, it lands right in my lap. I have no idea if anyone will read this but I'm going to write it anyways.
I have never in my life been so depressed and so at peace at the same time. I understand that to be depressed and at peace seem to be a contradiction of terms so I guess I'll need to explain.
Today I went to drop off some film for processing that I shot last night for a local theater group. I was told that the only C-41 processing machine left in our area was broken and the status of it being fixed is pending. Yes I said film. I have thousands of dollars of high end professional photography equipment that can produce beautiful images, but it's not digital. To convert what I own to include comparable quality digital cameras would cost around $10,000. - $15,000.00 That's not something an eight year unemployed man can convince his wife he needs.
So yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I called my wife and while I was laying on her how I felt, she let me know she had a conference call in one minute and couldn't talk. Insult, I'd like to introduce you to injury. Add photography to the long list of things taken from me that gave me a sense of purpose. If living with chronic pain, unemployment, being lonely, and unchallenged is not enough. Take away the one thing that I have cherished since I was 9 years old, photography.
Please let me fast forward to the at peace portion. I believe with all my heart, that God loves me. The crappy things that are trying to weigh me down are caused by me being selfish. Sure I wish I didn't live every second in pain, God didn't do that to me, I did it to myself. As a matter of fact, God didn't cause any of my problems, yet He was willing to let His Son die so that I might live.
Everything on earth that I place value in, I was able to do and yet It's my own selfishness and pride that causes me to feel that I deserved more.
God owes me nothing, because He has already given me more than I dreamed of having. So I will humble myself and say, "Thank you God for all the wonderful experience we were able to share together. and especially I thank You for Your Son Jesus."
I'll admit that it's easy to burden myself with the injustices of the world and try to do more than I'm capable. My shoulders are big, but not as big as my God's.
One thing I have not lost, is the value I place on sharing what God's love does for me. I pray that you also have or will accept that same gift.
God bless you,
Dennis
I have never in my life been so depressed and so at peace at the same time. I understand that to be depressed and at peace seem to be a contradiction of terms so I guess I'll need to explain.
Today I went to drop off some film for processing that I shot last night for a local theater group. I was told that the only C-41 processing machine left in our area was broken and the status of it being fixed is pending. Yes I said film. I have thousands of dollars of high end professional photography equipment that can produce beautiful images, but it's not digital. To convert what I own to include comparable quality digital cameras would cost around $10,000. - $15,000.00 That's not something an eight year unemployed man can convince his wife he needs.
So yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I called my wife and while I was laying on her how I felt, she let me know she had a conference call in one minute and couldn't talk. Insult, I'd like to introduce you to injury. Add photography to the long list of things taken from me that gave me a sense of purpose. If living with chronic pain, unemployment, being lonely, and unchallenged is not enough. Take away the one thing that I have cherished since I was 9 years old, photography.
Please let me fast forward to the at peace portion. I believe with all my heart, that God loves me. The crappy things that are trying to weigh me down are caused by me being selfish. Sure I wish I didn't live every second in pain, God didn't do that to me, I did it to myself. As a matter of fact, God didn't cause any of my problems, yet He was willing to let His Son die so that I might live.
Everything on earth that I place value in, I was able to do and yet It's my own selfishness and pride that causes me to feel that I deserved more.
God owes me nothing, because He has already given me more than I dreamed of having. So I will humble myself and say, "Thank you God for all the wonderful experience we were able to share together. and especially I thank You for Your Son Jesus."
I'll admit that it's easy to burden myself with the injustices of the world and try to do more than I'm capable. My shoulders are big, but not as big as my God's.
One thing I have not lost, is the value I place on sharing what God's love does for me. I pray that you also have or will accept that same gift.
God bless you,
Dennis
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